Open letter to the impatient members of the Church who cannot stand seeing the Singles, single.

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Dear married brothers and sisters: Just stop.

Dear pastors and deacons: Just. Stop.

Dear uber-single old ladies in the church: J.U.S.T.  S.T.O.P.

I want to write this open letter on behalf of the thousands of single Christian young men and women who are tired of the same questions: When are you gonna get married?

Take it from me: My pastor have made a list of the requisites I already have to be a husband, and prompted me” to get myself together and step on the game”. My mentor and my mentor’s wife have invited me to any young adult activity in their church, just to make me meet somebody. Some of my friends are showing me pictures of their friends all the time, and asking if I would like them to help me with knowing these ladies. My mom has already asked me for grandchildren! I know I’m not alone in this, and it’s tiring.

We can feel the pressure, folks. And it doesn’t help at all.

My pastor has a reason (and a big one) on why he keeps pressuring the young bucks into marriage: the rise of sexual immorality inside the church of Christ. He, like a ton of pastors, is afraid of the lack of perseverance in the fight for purity. He is scared of the risk of putting some (not all of us) singles into leadership positions just to drop them down just because they have fallen into a sexual immorality pattern. He is scared of the big ratio of young Christian ladies getting married with unbeliever guys. He is scared of the young people getting used to the comfortable and sacrifice-less life of the single with no responsibilities in the church. He is scared about the reality of people wanting to “succeed in life” (getting Masters Degrees, cars, house ownerships, etc.) rather than looking for a spouse.  And we get it. The apostle Paul declares it very clear in his famous and controversial chapter 7 of 1^st. Corinthians:

7 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. ² But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband….⁹ But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. (Emphasis added)

Yes, we celebrate the fact that marriage is a great (if not the best) mean of grace against sexual immorality in this earth. Yes, we get that while pursuing a person we can focus our energy and forget about ourselves and our sinful selfish desires. Yes, we get that sexual immorality is rampant against the church. But this is the thing: if we are falling, is OUR fault. If we fall into sexual sin, we are the ones who decided to sin. We are the ones who are getting away from God, and we are the ones with the awful godly life. We need forgiveness and we need help!

But…Marriage is not the solution against sexual immorality. It is not what is going to kill it. If it was, why there are still so many cases of adultery, raping, abuse, lies and divorce? We know that all evil thought come from our hearts (Matt. 15:19). And we gotta fight sin every single day, it ain’t matter if single or not.

You guys have taught us well concerning that. But, it looks like you have stopped believing that. Instead of teaching us to look toward Jesus and rely on his ever-present grace (2^nd Cor. 12:9, Heb. 4:16) to guard us from sexual immorality and to give us joy and purpose in singlehood, you are pulling a practical atheism concerning what you have taught us, pushing all of the single guys and gals to start looking at people like if we are in a The Bachelor’s episode. Singlehood is NOT second best. Singlehood is NOT a “disease”. Singlehood is NOT a waste of time. Singlehood is NOT synonym of irresponsibility, neither childlikeness, neither immaturity.

Singlehood is the time of the life, when God uses you the most. Singlehood is the time of the life, when God changes you the most. Singlehood is the time of the life, when you give out of yourself the most; when you learn the most; when you serve the most. Singlehood is the time of the life when you decide what and who you want to be. Singlehood is the catalyst of life. Without that period of time, we couldn’t figure a lot of things out. We would be lost. Now I see it. In my teens I would abhor myself for saying that, but now I thank God for this time of growing and self-discovery! But a lot of them folks don’t see it that way. And that do more harm than help.

And speaking of The Bachelor…

Do you really think it looks good that you want to start molding relationships and coupling in your own image and likeness? Who do you think you are? God? The Song of Solomon tells something I keep repeating myself every time I get to know a sweet chick:

⁷ Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
    by the gazelles and wild deer,
    not to awaken love until the time is right. (Song of Solomon 2:7, emphasis added.)

Whose timing? I got to the realization it is not my timing. And I bet my head is not yours either.

After you get to some level of accomplishments like college graduation, 2 or 3 years of work experience, church leadership or ministry involvement, and kind of independence in your personal life, the next step looks like getting together with someone and tie the knot. But what if it is not God’s will to check my own timeline of life accomplishments (or yours) and add marriage to the Done list?

God is the one who has my timing in His Hands (Ps. 31:15), and because of that, I will trust Him in the path He keeps me walking, because I know that if I need to wait till my 60s to get a wife, He has a purpose and it is for my good. My duty: to take care of myself, fighting until death against Satan and his attacks, against the world and its temptations, and against myself and my desires. Singlehood is the real Showcase of Holiness. Help us live to the occasion.

We young folks get criticized when we pursue our own growth before looking for a spouse. But, let’s put this into a little bit of perspective: How am I gonna feed my wife and put some Versace dress over her sweet body if I don’t get to work?!  How am I gonna provide a roof for my children if I don’t get prepared in this over-competitive world? What am I gonna provide for my girl when we get married? A cardboard box?  No! I want to get a nice career path, so I can be available to work, so I get money, so I can provide for my family. Girls want to be useful in their households, helping their husbands to provide for their children and the house expenses. We do believe God is our Provider, but the ordinary mean of Grace that He ordained for He to do so (thank you, Adam and Eve) is to sweat our butts so we can get something to our tables.

To earn our living, to become better than we were before, to excel in our vocation, those are good and noble desires. I understand when you say that some people are too focused on those things; and some of us are. And we accept that. We need to stop becoming so obsessed with possessing things, or also think that we are gonna be loved according to the things we possess or the titles we earn. That is not like it. A car is no social enhancer in order to get a godly spouse, neither is gonna fulfill our desires of being accepted, loved or respected by people. But to say that we shouldn’t focus on those things before we meet someone, it even sounds a little hypocritical coming from the generation of “hard work” and extra-hours.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m no Love Hater (I see you, 3000), neither anti-Valentine’s Day guy. I’m a dreamy, romantic guy who yearns for that moment. I do want to get married someday, but not because of some peer pressure. And I know for a fact that a lot of Christian folks would agree with me.

So please, instead of asking us if we are meeting with somebody and pressuring us to make a decision, please rather ask us how we are going in the race of faith. Ask us what we have learned in this singlehood time. Invite us to serve others in missionary activities. Invite us to married couple’s houses, so we can learn how to live as a married couple. Challenge us to serve and to serve more in our churches. Mentor us toward our weaknesses. Teach us to fight against sexual immorality. Help us to become the Christ-like husband and wife ideal prototype, so we can be ready for the moment when all of you, old people, rejoice of going to the first wedding in 25 years at your church…(Phew… got that out. Ok. Let’s finish…)

We do want to form strong families. We want to be faithful and pure husbands and wives. We want to create godly and exemplary families, and we pray for God’s grace over each and every decision we make toward that goal. We do really appreciate the fact that you want to “help” us, but…God got this covered too.

Thanks old folks.

Love,

Gabriel Lopez (and thousands of frustrated and pressured Christian young adults.)