What’s the point of falling in love, anyways? Part III

Why do humans fall in love? 

Why do humans need to care, feel or touch another human being? Why do we actually care about our feelings? Why do we attached to other people’s opinion, tastes, decisions, likes and dislikes?

This is why I gotta ask myself these questions too:

If it is NOT about physical attraction, neither chemistry; if it is NOT about looking for pleasure but to self-sacrifice; if it is NOT about your own happiness; if the only one who can love the true way is God, and to love one another is to show and proclaim His glory alone; if we suffer because of it, and because of it we tend to make the wrong decisions all the time… If love is NOT about US: 

What’s the point of falling in love, anyways?

In this episode: Limerence.

What the heck is limerence?

According to Wikipedia.com, limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

It reminds me of Amnon and Tamar:

13 Now David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. And Amnon, her half brother, fell desperately in love with her. ² Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill. She was a virgin, and Amnon thought he could never have her. (2 Samuel 13:1-2, NLT)

Does it sounds familiar with any of you? It sounds familiar with me by the beat. Limerence is that emotional state that movies, books and Chainsmokers’ songs advertise, and being honest, everybody wants to feel exactly that. It is as if you are high…well: it is literally that:

According to the psychologists who researched limerence in the 70’s (Dr. Dorothy Tennov and Co.), a biochemical process causes it. “Responding to cues from the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (a natural amphetamine), estrogen and testosterone. This chemical cocktail produces the euphoria of new love and begins to normalize as the attachment hormones (vasopressin and oxytocin) kick in, typically six to 24 months into a relationship.”

So if you are "in love", let me tell you this: you are a yunkie.

Limerence is the process when you get to know that crush, and you start building up upon her or his attributes. For the limerent, the object of the limerence is the most perfect and beautiful thing in this planet. You wait for the message, the like, the call, the touch, the smile…you want that feeling and you need it. I know you know it feels like a drug. Some experts call it that way, and some even dare to call it a mental disease: “Albert Wakin, an expert on limerence and a professor of psychology at Sacred Heart University, defines limerence as a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction, a state of “compulsory longing for another person.”He estimates that five percent of the population struggles with limerence.”

The thing is: I bet my head that people around us don’t care a thing about it. They see the rush as the real feeling of love and they want it, and want it now.

Being honest with you, I’m a limerence addict. Since I have memory, I’ve always liked the feeling of getting in love. I’ve always liked the process of meeting someone for the first time, getting to know more about her, discovering how to make her happy and to like me. But sadly I’ve always ignored the reality of love itself, and that’s the reason of all my love failures. Still now, I still try to look for a little bit of thrill. I don’t know, it is exciting and risky! The aspect of limerence in my life have taught me to understand the risk of my raw emotions and the consequences of listening to my own heart instead of God’s voice.

Let’s get this clear: It is good that you get to know the object of your affections, it is good you invest your time getting to do things that like her; no problem with that. Nevertheless, we are called to learn how to deny ourselves and to put ourselves away in order to put that person first, most importantly, when the high goes away. That’s real love.

If we keep looking for feelings instead of sacrifice, we will end like Amnon.

¹⁰ Then he said to Tamar, “Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here.” So Tamar took his favorite dish to him. ¹¹ But as she was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, “Come to bed with me, my darling sister.”
¹² “No, my brother!” she cried. “Don’t be foolish! Don’t do this to me! Such wicked things aren’t done in Israel. ¹³ Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel. Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me.”
¹⁴ But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her. ¹⁵ Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. “Get out of here!” he snarled at her.
¹⁶ “No, no!” Tamar cried. “Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.”
But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. ¹⁷ He shouted for his servant and demanded, “Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!” (2 Samuel 13:10-16, NLT)

Because of his feelings, he didn’t realize what was truly in his heart: lust, wacky passion, a great amount of evil thoughts; but no love at all. Because of his feelings he dishonored a young and godly woman. Because of his feelings, he raped a woman.

The sad reality is that it can happen to us too. We need to be careful when we feel things for other person. We need to look at ourselves in order to don’t dishonor the object of our limerence. They are human beings, not conquests.

Limerence is a human attribute, stained by sin. I believe that all the spectrum of human emotions is given by God (it is what makes us created at His Image), and if we feel the rush of limerence, is for something, and something good. Who doesn’t love to give all those feelings to the right person at the right moment? Because of that we need to focus more on giving that emotion to Jesus, so He can transform it to the real image of that emotion; we need to focus in our character and self-control, in order to not trust in our heart, for is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9)